Dear Museveni, When Will You Start Taxing the Air Ugandans Breathe?
Satire: Of Museveni's Proposed Social Media Levy and Other Taxes
Greetings Your Excellency Ishe-abagabe Yoweri Kaguta Museveni, the only leader God sent to save Ugandans from misrule. The only leader dispatched by the angels to drive Ugandans to middle income status. You saw Bunyoro’s oil long before God created it, long before the scientists discovered it.
For 33 years, you have blessed Uganda. I’m not sure where Uganda would be without you.
We have seen the value of our shilling increase – the silly economists at Makerere say the shilling has lost value. Mr President, I have been wondering ‘who grows’ such economists. Sorry I am beginning to quarrel — but these guys are annoying.
Let me remind these ideologically bankrupt economists. In 1985, before God sent you to save Uganda, one US dollar was Shs 600. A year later, with your bush-nomics, the economics of bushmen by bushmen and for the bushmen, the shilling increased in value: one dollar buying Shs 1,450.
Why can’t people see things that are this simple? You have now grown this figure to Shs 3,650 in 2018 – three decades later. If that is not able leadership, then what is it?
Mr President, the value of the shilling is not the reason I am writing this letter to you. Forgive me for diverting a little; it must those opposition friends of mine diverting me. I even think they are lately bewitching me to cross to their side they way they did to Rwampara’s Mujuni Kyamadidi.
And the way they had recently bewitched your arm. We thank God for healing you! Again, I am diverting. Forgive my sins, son of Kaguta. I promise not to give in to the temptation of diverting into trivialities just like those guys in the opposition.
Your Excellency, I recently ‘saw on the news’ that you wanted those guys who waste time insulting you, on Facebook and Whatsapp, to pay taxes. How foresighted you are Mr President! Tax them, and as a matter of fact, let them pay with their kidneys and lungs and pounds of flesh. Do not accept cash. No. Don’t.
Tax them for using social media to say you have overstayed in power yet the problem of Africa is leaders who overstay in power. How dare they call you a problem? Tax them through the nose for forgetting that politicians are liars. Tax them because you have actually not overstayed in power – you still have stamina and they have no vision.
Tax them for telling lies that Uganda is broke, that our debt is a whooping Shs 38 trillion. For telling lies that each Ugandan has to pay about Shs 1m if we are to finish this debt. That the country would need 94 years to pay the debt.
Mr president, tax Ugandans for forgetting that Jesus paid our debts on the cross – including our national debt, and the debts we shall accumulate.
Son of Kaguta, please tax those Ugandans for concentrating on social media lugambo and failing to see the good things you continue to do for Uganda. Things like turning this ‘Pearl of Africa’ into the ‘Peril of Africa’. Doesn’t that word even sound better?
Tax them for not seeing that your government has made great innovations. Things like making corruption the engine of government, the engine of the nation. Who can beat that?
Tax them for not seeing that you recently castrated 1,000 locals caught stealing goats in various villages across the country. Tax them for being jealous of top government officials whom they claim steal public to grow fat bellies, grab villages of land, and erect tall buildings. Isn’t that development? Mr President tax them for being blind to such development.
Tax them for not seeing that all hospitals now have working ambulances and health workers. Tax them for not seeing that more Ugandans are seeking medical care abroad because our people have become wealthy and need to donate to poor countries like India.
Tax them for not seeing that UPE schools have better facilities and our teachers are well motivated. Tax them for not appreciating that your own grand children, all the ministers’, RDCs’, MPs’ children and grandchildren go to the same public schools.
Tax them for not seeing that public schools have been performing better than private schools over the years.
And finally tax them for having eyes but not seeing that you are leading them to middle income status. Tax them for not believing you when you said you would end poverty by 2017.
Your Excellency, I have a million reasons to thank you for thinking about new ways of taxing our people.
These taxes will raise vital revenue to help us buy a chopper for each minister, RDC, and MP – the people who have sacrificed a lot for this nation.
We also need to build a personal hospital to serve each of these officials and their families. These people are too important to line up with the unwashed wananchi in hospitals. They also need specailised drugs that Mulago cannot stock.
And lest I forget, we need to set aside a budget for their wives and daughters to fly abroad to deliver children who will be the future leaders of this country.
Owing to how vital and urgent the preceding matters are, I suggest that on top of social media tax, boda boda tax, mobile money, sacco tax, etc, we add new taxes to generate trillions of shillings.
Your Excellency, I beg you to tax all the hoes you promised Ugandans during the 2016 campaigns. Let each person who will get a hoe pay Shs 100,000 as tax every month!
Your government should also tax the married Ugandans every time they make love. We should create the Love Making Authority Organization (LMAO) to oversee this tax. I suggest that Kayihura heads LMAO.
And I insist the singles should pay double anytime they fornicate around.
Lastly, Mr President, I don’t know why you have kept forgetting this vital tax.
So, I will remind you and ask for a specific answer: when will you start taxing the air Ugandans breath so you and your friends can get enough money to enjoy, so that you can inflict more suffering to Ugandans?
Samuel Kamugisha is a Ugandan journalist